19

Day Nineteen. I am so bloody glad I have discovered the Secret and the Law of Attraction.

Looking back over my life, I can remember a million occasions when the exact person or thing I had been desiring appeared for me, but I never quite understood what had brought it there (I just assumed regular old flying dwarf).

Now that I know how thoughts become things, I can completely see why certain circumstances arose the way they did. For a good few years I swung violently between two opposites. One minute I pioneered a Destiny's Child inspired 'I'm-a-survivor' attitude, tinged with a Pussycat Dolls mantra ('I don't need a man, man!') and accompanied with a hearty old dose of sparkly noughties slogan T-shirt wisdom; SINGLE AND FABULOUS. The next minute I was curled in a Bridget Jones ball of self-pitying solitude. I was all Kleenex, mascara-cheek rivers and power ballads. Bad times.

The fact was, I really just wanted a lovely boyfriend. I told myself - dramatic as ever - that we had all been brainwashed (probably by Disney.. or Glaxo-Smithkline, they seem to get up to loads of iffy shit). We had been programmed by such evil forces as 'Capitalism' (wasn't entirely sure what it was) and 'Heat Magazine' (hadn't ever read it) into thinking that we needed expensive, flashy love (romance, roses, autumnal under-umbrella snogging) when actually we didn't need anything at all but ourselves. Silly me really.

I totally get it now. No, unlike certain friends of mine, a happily-ever-after, white wedding and champagne buffet is not essential to my livelihood. I totally get that, unlike others among them, I don't need a boyfriend, under any circumstances, no matter who he is, no matter how short, or arsey, or depraved, or addicted to ketamine, just so that I can say I've got The Boyfriend and feel that I have ticked a box. Nope. None of this applies to me.

However, my desperation to remove myself as far as possible from any of the above options left me stranded on the lonely island of man-hating, relationship-scorning bitterness. 'She's moving in with her boyfriend? Gutted at her. Laters, freedom!'

Of course being in a fun, exciting, loving, passionate, trusting relationship does not equal an end to anyone's freedom. Whilst on the outside I was fiercely independent, happy alone and cosily in love with my self and doing my own thing, inside I was just too scared of admitting that I really rather wanted a nice bit of love.

Similarly with friends. I've always had lots of gorgeous, fun and inspiring people around me, but I never knew that by asking and wanting for a close-knit gang (one that combined all these dreamy people into one glorious, friendly bundle) that I might get what I'd never let myself admit to wanting, let alone actually desire.

The Secret has entirely reversed my perception of the world. Now, instead of trying to do some sort of creepy reverse psychology on the Universe ('I didn't even want a boyfriend anyway, SO THERE!') I now see that I deserve and can have absolutely anything that I desire, so long as I continue to spread love, be generous with myself, my time, my energy and my money and believe believe BELIEVE! yummy.