The initial thrill of discovering that actually, being a chronic daydreamer (with a sometimes worryingly vivid and shameless imagination) could in fact be a marvellous, life-changing skill, is kind of beginning to wear off..
I used to drift off for hours into ridiculous fantasies about people I'd never met and things I'd never seen.. and get all excited and confused when suddenly they'd manifest. Like, totes IRL. Now that I understand more about the law of attraction, I'm mainly just painfully aware of how every single train of thought I follow seems to go leaping off into the sunset, each one in a totally contradictory direction to the last. When it comes to fantasising, turns out I am just a greedy (and wholly indecisive) pig.
Whilst before I just daydreamed away to my heart's content, and occasionally got a cheeky surprise (usually in the form of a top handsome man I had been lusting after), now I'm so massively aware of everything I fantasise about that it has kind of killed the magic. I worry that one thought contradicts another, I put pressure on my daydreams because I know they need to be accurate if I want my ideal situation to manifest. to sum up: BAH HUMBUG.
But I refuse to give up, so I hope it won't be too counter-productive to quickly list some doubts and then cancel them out with some clarity on WHY I want what I want. Kay. Good.
Things to do
1) focus my thoughts
2) remember what exactly it is that i really want and need.
My job doubts
1) I am doubting that I can handle a 9-5 job.
2) I am doubting that I can plan lessons, be organised, improve my time-keeping, be up nice and early every day all clean and prepared and ready and fabulous.
..oh, turns out that's it..
My relationship doubts
1) I'm letting one particular person cloud my thoughts. On the one hand I want to use this person as a kind of model, and am focusing on them 'for the greater good', taking their best features and just imagining those. Except I'm not. My knowledge of reality keeps getting in the way, and my imaginary conversations with him turn into accusations, mickey-taking, listing previous details of the silliness that has gone before. It's getting harder to detach my daydreams from the a-bit-depressing reality of this chap. I still haven't decided in my mind; are we together? is he seeing me in future looking splendid and wondering why he isn't with me? is he someone entirely different altogether? BLAH. this is a tricky one.
2) Another doubt is that I can't imagine my ideal man ever wanting to get with me. I have this bizarre vision that I want someone 'cool'.. which I suppose in my brain really just means someone I see as socially superior to me!? And therefore I am always assuming that such a person would be doing a bit of a trade-down if they ever decided I was a good catch. This is probably the most distressing aspect of the whole thing, as I always seem to have a nagging sense of 'but I'm just a bit shit' which I REALLY need to get rid of asap!
So. I need a full time teaching job because:
1) One proper job is much better than 3 little pretend ones.
2) I like change!
3) I need the money. (MUST NOT become jeremy from peep show and eat my nest egg.)
4) Children wear me out.
5) I am a university graduate and am capable of more than mopping, sweeping, washing up, telling people off, playing bulldog. Not to belittle my current jobs which I love, but I am ready for a new challenge. Yeah that sounds good.
6) Full time = hi adulthood.
So on that note. Believe. Believe as many as 6 impossible things. And believe them before breakfast.
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