Banana Smoothie

I am awoken by an angry revving sound, rattling in my ears, which drags me from my wonderful dream. (I was in a hip hop club wearing fake gold as Marshall Mathers III begged me to mother his beautiful angry blonde rap children.) Someone has brought a chainsaw into our kitchen I decide, wondering whether tartan pyjama bottoms and a moth eaten sweatshirt emblazened with a blurry portrait of Dr Dre would be the most suitable attire in which to attempt to negotiate with a mass-murderer. I open my eyes. My matress (which I do not believe has ever contained springs) is positioned at such an angle on the floor that I have a perfect worm's eye view through the open doorway & across the black and white draughts-board tiles. Bunny is levitating horizontally from the left kitchen wall, peeling bananas. As I prise my cheek from the hot pillow, his figure swings 90 degrees and I see that he is standing at the work surface, his back turned, his straggly blonde hair askew.

Stepping into the kitchen (which despite being bathed in buttery golden sunlight, smells unmistakably of rotten vegetables, masked feebly with a spritz of Lynx aftershave) I am greeted once more with the ghastly revving. 'You're making a mess' I explain calmly, gathering banana skins, milk bottle tops and a full ashtray and shuffling towards the gaping black plastic sack on the floor which we like to pretend is as effective as an actual dustbin. Bunny makes a noise like an 8 year old girl who has been told her tap dancing class his cancelled. 'Smoothie' he corrects me. 'There's like, shitloads of my 5-a-day in here.' I frown, counting the yellow skins as I drop them into the bin bag. 'Well it's got 2 of your 5-a-day, yes. Because you've used 2 bananas.' Bunny's pale blue eyes and bushy golden brows crease with incredulity.'Yeah.' he scoffs, accompanied by a sassy headmovement which I take to be the gestural equivalent of the word 'duh'. 'That's nearly half.'

He unplugs the blender with a click, pops a turquoise straw into his chipped cupful of breakfast smoothie and stalks to the bottom of the staircase. Bunny is wearing a navy blue silk kimono which is about 4 inches too short for a man of 6 foot with unsubstantial underwear, who is attempting to mount a staircase with any dignity.